It’s my party

Still struggling with self-pity… 

it’s so easy to get into this mode.  It comes mostly in the silence… in the isolation…

Aa I was writing that, clarity showed up…

I was outside waiting for my sponsor when a guy that used to be here where o stay came up and started talking.  He went out on a hard relapse and is looking for help again… I was immediately taken out of self andun support of another addict… he wants to be locked up in a facility so he has to get clean… I told him that won’t work unless he’s willing. I’ve been locked up and either used inside or walked out anyway… it’s about wanting to quit and not using no matter what.

So I spent a few minutes with this guy and it turns out he’s waiting to speak to my sponsor as well… we’re talking and I’m not thinking of my shit but if this guy and the knowledge I can share about my experiences and the hope I can impart and it’s feeling good.

My sponsor showed up and I let them take off and plan to meet with my sponsor tomorrow now… the guy thanks me and I’m feeling the effects of being selfless… confident/smiling/happy/energetic/wanting to do more…

When I invite others into my self-pity party… it becomes more like a get down and boogie party… I’m not the host and the only guest.  You change the dynamic and it feels good.

I just had the experience that you hear about in meetings all the damn time… the therapeutic value of one addict helping another.

Handy reference today.

I hope you catch it

From Chapter 2, THERE IS A SOLUTION in the Big Book of AA:

pg. 17

The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us.

pg. 25

There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self- searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its suc­cessful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it.

I used to talk to friends about shared experiences… I’m going to romanticize here a little… in my using, from back in the day when I really got going to my most recent runs, I ran with a solid group of people… I used with a lot of people, but I ran with a solid few… a crew… the solid crew knew my pain and I knew theirs… we loved/cared for each other and had a bond that was solidified by our isolation from the rest of the world…

My friend Kat shared at a meeting the other day similar thoughts about her crew she ran with and it’s been on my mind ever since… I was relieved that I wasn’t the only one who thought that the crew I ran with was solid and that caring for them was okay… I got the feeling that Kat wants her crew to share in her new experience… same solid crew, just new experiences.

I want that too… I’ve had people in my crew die… Damon, Kelly… but I have others that have just suffered and suffered and they’ve shared with me the pain and desires to get clean but can’t/won’t for whatever reason…

I want my friends that are still out there to not be… to be here with me… to create these new shared experiences…  to love/care for each other and have our bond be solidified by recovery and discovery…

I decided to give in to the process of the 12 Steps after wanting to kill myself a few weeks ago… I came to the conclusion that I never want to feel that again… that feeling of being so alone and uncertain and worthless and un-whatever… after I came out of that episode, I became more open-minded and willing… I was able to see that the 12 Steps do work as I see it around me every fucking day… Once I started working my 4th Step, my life changed… clarity and understanding and some serenity became a daily thing… confidence gave me kind of a strut… and I gained these new experiences, I want them for my crew/friends/everyone… especially the newcomer.

I wish this was contagious… I would sneeze this shit (recovery and the wanting it) all over you.  I hope you catch what I have… and don’t succumb to the disease.

Sharing the light.


Adulting behaviors

Being in recovery allows me to be an adult… not in age but in behavior… a grown up… one of you guys.

This week I was proud of myself for doing the responsible thing… twice.  First, I’ve put away money into a savings account.  OMG!  I know… I’ve got $40.00 right now, gaining interest.  Second, I returned a purchase the other day and got cash back… and I deposited the cash back into my checking account… WTF?  All of it even…

95 days ago, a bank account was something this meth addict wasn’t allowed to have due to a number of NSF’s and other shady transactions… besides, any cash I planned on putting into the account was magically transformed into meth instead… if it did get deposited, it’s because I felt a need to show myself how non-addicted to meth I was… typically, the bank got to hang onto the money for less than 24 hours… fuck me if I had $80.00 in the bank and I had to go to the ATM because the bank was closed and I needed $80.00 for a gram and I could only get $60.00 because I had to keep a minimum of $5.00 to keep my account open and they only dispensed twenties and at that point no I didn’t want to keep the account open but because the bank was closed I couldn’t officially close the account and  get all my damn money.
Today I want to save my money and today I have a cause to do so… events in my life… in my family’s life… have given me something to save for… stay clean for.

My name is Craig and I’m an addict

What a fucking relief that just provided me… I am an full-blown addict and I need help.

What the fuck?  As soon as I write that, my body wants to get up and head to a meeting, but my brain is telling me go score… just score one last time… sure you’re an addict, but no one goes out without the last fucking shots to end all shots…

Don’t they?

This is is what I’m most afraid of… the fight with myself… I’m both the weakest and strongest motherfucker alive and I will beat me up and take it like I deserve i…

I still have some of that hope from yesterday and thats what I’m going to hang on to… reach out fuckface… talk to someone…. don’t do this alone… thats where you fail… please call someone.