8 months clean

I know it's not a normally celebrated milestone, but for me, today, it feels huge to have this much time clean.

It really does work one day at a time and if I don't use no matter what and if I don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens… all of the things you hear in meetings are true. They don't always apply, but when they do, they do…

I came close to using so many times during this 8 months. I had all the right reasons to use and yet, with the help of friends, sheer willpower and experience, I didn't use. I was weak and strong at the same time… powerless and power-full…

And I know I'm crazy still… I'm not all there yet… still having my moments of insanity and self-induced pain on the regular… but I'm not regressing by giving in and using… I learning and gaining experience and knowledge and examples to draw from.

My program isn't much most days… what higher power? What steps? What sponsor? What whatever?… but still… I'm doing it and those things still matter to me… I'm getting the most from the fellowship of NA… that friendship of fellow addicts… having friends really is keeping me clean most days. I have less time alone since I have more friends and that's key for me. I am grateful for the fellowship most of all.

Anyway, 8 month today. Living just for today and not using no matter what. Love you.
Blue skies today.

Something’s different

Today I woke up feeling like I can do this… I am doing this… staying clean and (mostly) enjoying life.

It was reinforced when I checked my clean date calculator and it shows 232 days clean today… I feel some pride and accomplishment right now.

I'm not going to analyze the shit out of this yet… let's let this ride and see how it goes… establish a new base line maybe and then try and determine if it's real or not.

As I write that last part, I'm reminded that feelings pass/change and as long as I keep that in mind, I should be able to deal… thanks Kat for that nugget.

Anyway… feeling different today… from my core. There is a new sense of energy and maybe it'll keep going… hoping it will. Love you.

Could be the coffee though 😏

So lame

I hate my sponsor right now. He’s got me working in the lamest shit and I’m not happy about it… doesn’t he know who the fuck I am?

It’s so hard to be humble when I’m doing something I don’t want to do… the more I hate it, the more I become Craig Fucking Flint… Resistor to lame bullshit and all things I find beneath my intelligence.

I want to work the steps of NA and he’s got me copying and pasting answers from a Basic Text workbook instead… I want to do it like I’ve done before and he’s not doing it that way… I want to do it my way.

This task is too easy… so much so, it’s taking me over two weeks to do it… it’s so fucking easy I have this huge resentment towards my sponsor and his sponsor and the people who created this workbook and made it available to everyone… I’m disgusted by how easy it is damnit. 

Did I ask my sponsor anything about how he does things before asking him to be my sponsor?  Nope.  Did I assume he’d just say, “well Craig, you’re obviously super fucking smart and so you should just do it your way and let me know how I can help.”?  Yup.  Arg!  Impulse and compulsive behaviors/thinking strike again.

Do I believe he wants the best for me?  Yes. Do I believe he wants me to find relief?  Yes.  Do I believe he wants me to stay clean?  Of course… 

Will I finish this lame assignment?  Yes.  If only to teach myself some humility and acceptance, I will finish this assignment and trust the process.  

Identity: Depressed

Due to my inability to not show it, I’ve started to say it… come to terms with it I guess… admit it in hopes of changing it… I’m fucking depressed.

It still seems like it’s not a thing I should be concerned by… I don’t trust the signs that this is depression and not a drug related issue… fuck me. Still in a detox-like state… or…

If I would just surrender, fully admit I can never use drugs again, find and trust in a fucking higher power, get a sponsor, work the steps then all my depressive disorders would be addressed and I wouldn’t be a big mess like I am now.

I feel guilty for not surrendering and for outright fighting the notion of working a program… for not believing the literature or other addicts or history… I feel guilty for not trusting you or the process… for not accepting, it seems, my fucking fate…

I fight, therefore I am depressed… not the other way around. Every thought I have seems to bring about a Depressive response… it’s probably not every thought, but my mind is mostly in high gear analyzing and comparing everything to how it fits into a program.

I’m not trying to bash 12 Step programs… hell, I’m waiting for a NA meeting to start now… there is value for me in hearing other people share as it keeps me from thinking I’m the only one… but the fear I have moral inventories, trusting someone with my shit, believing in a higher power turns to guilt for having the fear and not pushing through.

Which leads to depression…?

I’m grateful I don’t want to use right now… I just want the depression to be gone… I just want to be Craig.

What’s it worth?

What I have, I’m not satisfied with… obviously to no one but me.  It’s the reason I’m still not happy… I get the momentary reprieves from sadness/anger and then they’re gone… during the moments of what/who used to make/keep me happy… as I’m happy I feel it slipping away… it’s day turning into night and I can’t stop it.

To me, this seems like a lack of gratitude and acceptance… I’m just not satisfied with what I have…  I want more/change…

I’m neither fighting for what I have or working to change things… I’m just sitting here.  It’s not like I am enjoying this feeling… and I hate talking about it now… so much I don’t… or barely… who the fuck wants to hear about this shit one more fucking time?

I make these lists of things I can do to improve my life… I write them as “to do’s” but they become “NEED to do’s” because I don’t do them… and that’s what I’m talking about…

Nothing seems working fighting for or working towards… not nothing… I’m holding on, not fighting for, to my clean time because of what I’ll lose…

the relationship with my son

I’m not sure what else I care about right now… I don’t even want to be clean… for me anyway.

 

Acceptance feels like losing… giving in feels like giving up.

From page 417 of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life —unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.” He forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did. A.A. and acceptance have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here. When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God.

Ugh.

I have a financial opportunity that requires the agreement of another party… if they say yes, we both make $500.00… I don’t need the $500.00 right this second, but it would be nice to have for the future.  I want to sell, the other party does not… this is where I get pissed at pg. 417 and the idea of acceptance…

I accept a lot of things in my life, recognizing I am powerless of everything except my decisions (thanks Baer… it stuck)… but am I supposed to just take a fucking “nope” without trying to change this persons mind?  Why can’t they read pg. 417 and just accept “yep”?  Maybe one of us needs to feel bad about it for a bit, like they lost or gave in but why the fuck does it need to be me?

Big picture time: if we all accept, then don’t we all lose?  When does the feelings of one person trump the others?  Like whats the fucking rating system… number of tears?

I’m not going to be a dick… I’ll accept this since it was suggested to do so by my sponsor… this person has their reasons…  I can accept that… if I have to… I guess. Resentment forming because of it though. 

 

Serious people, you’ve got me all wrong…

I don’t understand shit… I’m simple-minded… I’m super-fucking-naive… and yet you, you and you and you you you and you keep telling me I’m smart… maybe smarter than you.  What?  Please stop.

I don’t connect things.  I have troubles with correlations… maybe I get them after a while, but often not or not without you saying dude, look, it’s fucking right here…

But yet, I can’t stop analyzing shit to death… I need answers and I need some proof and I need them on my own… I can’t take your word for it.  I’ll take it on face-value, but I don’t truly believe it and it’s in my list of shit to check out on my own later.

This gets in the way of my surrender and acceptance of a Higher Power of which today I don’t believe in… and that leaves me afraid and questioning myself about my ability to do what I want more than anything…

Being clean is a path to my goal… I just want to be a better person.  I want to make up for the bad shit if that’s possible.  I want to be there for you and you and you and you you you…

It was brought up today in meeting with a friend that I might want to investigate a more scientific method of recovery… one with less reliance on a Higher Power… fuck.  Fuck… fuck… I only know the 12 Steps… I know they work for others and 1 through 3 have worked for me before… to a point…

I’ve never been able to surrender fully and totally and with all my heart to God… there are things that I haven’t trusted Him with… relationships mainly, but some work and life decisions too.

Honestly… fucking honestly as I type this right now, I don’t have a desire to use… the closest I get is looking at my veins and seeing them pop out of my skin and thinking back to the struggles of finding them back in the day and missing because these fucking veins would just disappear.  But I know I could hit and hit good and receive the full power of my shot of my DOC… but I think it all the way through… I don’t have the desire to give up what I’ve gotten back as a result of being clean.  Hell, I think about my boy, my mom, my job, my friends… all gone after just a shot.  If I entertain it beyond a minute, those thoughts take over and I roll down my sleeves.

I think about what other situations I might use in… reservations… and my old reasons could still apply… which is where my struggle and want of a HP comes in… He is supposed to help with that.  He can’t.

So I consider will-power… which is the veins scenario… determining the outcome by thinking things through… in my own mind.

And I need support still… friends who know about addiction… and care.

But fear still drives me to be undecided and immobile… more unknowns… more pain… more anger… but maybe if I stay here a little longer and analyze, I’ll understand at some point.

I always have more questions than answers…. more doubt than faith…