What is my deal? I’m missing out on so much healthy living with those close to me. I’m going to regret this, no doubt, but I’ve got to run this experiment a little longer.
I’ve got different insight into relationships and what my role is in how most of them go. My eyes have widened some and I’m questioning my future that I had so planned out.
I’ve been using pretty hard lately and totally ignoring everything and everyone around me. Basically, using comes first and then I prioritize to-deal-withs based upon a scale that determines how much self reflection will be required. I just don’t want to deal and the more I don’t, the more I do.
I can analyze this all I want, but action is what matters. What do I want?
Well, my barricading myself in the room and then falling asleep while everyone was mad around me gave me enough time for people to get fed up and give up.
I’ve declared my status as rightful inhabitant and I mean no harm and will stay as invisible as possible. I’m venturing out of my room to get a sandwich and shower and feel confident that no altercations will take place.
I got off work and came back to the house and the house seemed deserted… the oven was on, but nothing was cooking… the gallon of milk left out on the counter and not a soul to be found.
I grabbed some water and headed up to my room. I then flipped the mattress up and lodged it so no one can get in without some real effort. I’ll be here while I figure out my plan…
UPDATE: Still here and hanging out… no one has tried to come in or has knocked or anything… I’m about to do my last shot and it’s huge. Then head out for a counseling appointment… that should be interesting.
The end of my run is very near… I’ve already run out of excuses or reasons to be using… Some sort of feeling that I don’t want to feel, or memory that haunts me. No, those were flimsy at best and it’s time I stop thinking and acting as if I have no responsibility to anyone.
Of course this is being prompted by someone else and it’s not the choice I’d make for myself. No… I’ve been given the final ultimatum and have to be out of the house, today, by 9:00 AM. We’ll see how that goes as I have no intention of moving out… I’d rather be done with using than suffer homelessness or at best, couch surfing. I’ll come back after work this morning and lay low…