More of what I don’t want to hear

So, more conversations about the end of using with my using partner…  the tone more serious than before and valid reasons that can’t be argued away… all the same fucking reasons I’ve already been trying to medicate out of existence.

Now the fear starts.  Fear that will cause anxiety.  The anxiety will be fed by the awareness of reality as I come down.  Paralysis will set in as I feel overwhelmed with the things to do to fix what I’ve broken.  I’ll eventually be depressed as my brain cries out for just a little more of whatever “that shit” was.  Suicide will sound tempting.

We talk about doing this together, and we have talked like that many times… which never go as planned  as she continues to use and I see less and less of her.  Soon, my inability to reach next level friendship with people leaves me lonely and missing her.  Then I decide to relapse and fuck everything else.  That sounds pretty lame as I read it, but the feelings are stronger than I can counter.  Nothing has been able to fill that void left by losing a friend like her.

I know how unhealthy my thinking is… I’m choosing her/drugs over family/job/etc.

 

It might be starting now

About 12 hours removed from my last shot which was nothing really since it was pulling out of cottons and I mostly missed… that is the worst way to end… a painful reminder of how much I suck.

I haven’t been able to complete much because my mind is mostly filled with thoughts of using… and what is that going to accomplish… and trying to find the one reason I continue to use. 

If it were only that easy… Just did this one thing.

Actually what I’m really trying to do is find away to keep using with a rational reason why.  Yep   I’m spending a lot of time and energy to figure out a way to sustain a lifestyle without the resources to do so… how long am IU going to keep working this experiment?  The results I keep getting are shitty and I’m running out time, money, chances…

 

I really do hate this part

During the quiet times at the end of a run is when I start reflecting on the damage I’ve caused… The actions that I gave no fucks about at the time.

In no particular order:

  1. Family
  2. Job
  3. Money to live on
  4. Friends
  5. …and more that will be revealed as I detox

Unless I get high, these will be so heavy with guilt and shame… It gets dark really fast. 

How I kicked drugs without going into rehab – BBC News

One woman’s recovery from crystal meth addiction inspires thousands on social media.

Source: How I kicked drugs without going into rehab – BBC News

Maybe this will work for me…?  I think you still need to want to quit using drugs for this to be successful.

#bbc, #meth, #treatment

Too happy to be sad.

I’m not sharing everything with you, even though thats my plan. As a general rule, drugs come first… when you include the score, the prep, the use, the enjoyment and then repeating that cycle all damn day, all your good intentions follow way behind.
Currently, I’m on a pretty good run… been able to score mostly easy, getting to hang out with friends, and minimal drama and pushback on my current choices. This being day 4 or 5, I’m fucking beat and getting around requires sheer determination…
I did my last shot a few hours ago and that was the last of the bag… It’s feeling like thats okay and I shouldn’t be stressing since sleep is what my body is calling for right now.