Losing not missing out

I see a pattern happening… I'm going to fewer meetings and if I do go, I'm leaving early. I just can't sit there unless I have some more involvement… like leading it or something…

Two things are taking place…

1… Work, specifically my bike delivery job, is my higher power
2… I'm losing touch with the fellowship/friends in NA

My new higher power is work and the feeling I get from the physicalness and the money of it. It's instant and I love that. I get good feelings and rushes of healthy living while working… except when I'm not working, I'm not depressed, but meh at least.

I need friends to fill up the other parts of my day… the random texts and connects I get are spirit lifting even if it feels like I don't need it… without the meetings it inevitably going to mean I lose those friends. Meetings are like nights at the bar or dinner. It's where we talk and laugh and share and learn and help each other… like friends. I absolutely fucking need that.

But here I am typing this after leaving a meeting 30 minutes early. A meeting I was not looking forward to… not in a bad way, just a tired and TV and chilling seem better kind of way… they're not drawing me in like they used too…

Work cannot be my higher power… what if I lose that job? Then what? And if I've stopped going to meetings… then I'm fucked.

I need to find some balance. Missing out is losing out.
I should be in a meeting

8 months clean

I know it's not a normally celebrated milestone, but for me, today, it feels huge to have this much time clean.

It really does work one day at a time and if I don't use no matter what and if I don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens… all of the things you hear in meetings are true. They don't always apply, but when they do, they do…

I came close to using so many times during this 8 months. I had all the right reasons to use and yet, with the help of friends, sheer willpower and experience, I didn't use. I was weak and strong at the same time… powerless and power-full…

And I know I'm crazy still… I'm not all there yet… still having my moments of insanity and self-induced pain on the regular… but I'm not regressing by giving in and using… I learning and gaining experience and knowledge and examples to draw from.

My program isn't much most days… what higher power? What steps? What sponsor? What whatever?… but still… I'm doing it and those things still matter to me… I'm getting the most from the fellowship of NA… that friendship of fellow addicts… having friends really is keeping me clean most days. I have less time alone since I have more friends and that's key for me. I am grateful for the fellowship most of all.

Anyway, 8 month today. Living just for today and not using no matter what. Love you.
Blue skies today.

Something new for me

Follow up to my previous post

That one delivery was it and I thank God for it. It was just enough of a break for me to take some time to think… I finished the delivery and then this…

I texted my sponsor and he called me back right away. We talked and I'm worn out from working and feeling lonely because I'm not talking to her and haven't for about a week. So that loneliness turned into alone and separate from the world…

I wanted to use to give me to boost of energy I needed and to give me a connection to her… a reason to reach out and talk… look at what I'll do because of feelings… specifically to not feel the ones that suck.

So my sponsor and I talked and I'm back home taking a break… if I'm tired I need to rest. Similar concept to yesterday's post… no need to suffer if I don't need too… I need to take care of myself.

I'll have to sit through this "loneliness" until the feeling subsides. I can do that. I've done it before.

I have to admit that talking this out… reaching out for help… feels like a real accomplishment and breakthrough in my recovery. Sharing my pain really helped. I could have suffered through it but why? The literature says to reach out and I did.

Love you.

Feeling lonely makes me want to use

Feeling alone at the moment and this…

Typing a message to a guy I know to see if he can score. I got to this point before I realized I should do something different.

Fuck this feeling of loneliness… using doesn't bring me friends or cure the feeling… I know it makes it worse ultimately… but it's my go to… my right away go to… my almost and did it go to.

Work thank God just picked up. I hope I can ride this out.

Secrets and intimacy

This…

Today's J4T is right on… I'm not talking about secrets about what I've done, but secrets about what I want in a relationship… and how I want to be in a relationship. I'm afraid to say what because I'm afraid to lose you.

I get so far until this shit comes up then you stop learning about me… you'll never know all of me… the relationship becomes a lie from that point. I know it… I don't know if you do or not.

I want to know everything about you but not tell you everything about me. I'm not ready for this today… which is why I need to stay out of romantic relationships for sure. Why start off or continue in a lie? I love you too much for that.

Love you.

Needless suffering

This…

This was me for this past 7 months… needlessly enduring mental anguish and suffering daily because of my trying to fight my way through my bipolar issues…

I didn't want to give in… considering it giving up to the medication.

I was relying on my old ways… I was a hard motherfucker (granted in a soft shell)… mentally, most things didn't get to me… my obsession and my family got to me the most, but I endured gobs of pain of all sorts and it was a badge of honor…

Jail, institutions and near death were accomplishments to prove my ability to endure pain… piercings and tattoos the same… accidents on my bike required just a dusting off… the physical pain from cooking meth was part of the cost…

Today I'm happier than I've been in a long ass time… I surrendered to meds and they're working. But as I ride my bike around town… for fucking miles on miles in the sweltering Houston heat, I'm enduring it for the reward of doing it and of the reward for bragging about it which is in effect, about attention. Not totally as I do love doing deliveries on my bike, but I have the skills to do so much more… but that's something else as well. Another part to figure out.

I love the NA literature and it's really been a guide and opened my eyes lately. This is just one more bit of my recovery/discovery I'm excited about.

Love you.