Today seems like a good day to use

Not that I will but some of the elements are present for my desire to be strong…

  • Lots on my mind
  • Super worn out and work to be done
  • Avoidance of reality
  • Lonely

I was actually feeling some of this last night and went strolling through Montrose looking for my DOC but an alert came through for a delivery and then another and another and those took me far enough away from scoring that I gave up.

Today, I’m almost too tired to go look… might not even leave the apartment. But my thoughts got me thinking I better try…

Anyway, I don’t feel like letting anyone know but here I am… I need help.

ADDICTION ARTICLE:  10 Ways SMART Recovery Differs From 12-Step Programs | The Fix

The organization’s approach emphasizes a secular and scientifically-based modality which is attractive for people who do not connect with the spiritual aspect of 12-step.

Source: 10 Ways SMART Recovery Differs From 12-Step Programs | The Fix

 

I attempted SMART Recovery and I have similar thoughts to the author.

  • The availability of meetings here is Houston is minimal… last I checked, it was 3 weekly meetings compared to the dozen or so daily NA meetings.
  • I wasn’t too fond of the facilitator of the most convenient meeting to me… I don’t envy his recovery…
  • The rest of the group was fairly new to SMART and therefore, less experience for me to draw from.
  • They focus a lot on the on-line groups and messaging which doesn’t work for me… I need more human interaction/accountability.
  • I do like the “self-reliance” aspect of it… still struggling with God’s will vs. mine…
  • I like the scientific approach as well… CBT/REBT is well studied and I’ve been exposed to them since forever ago when I’ve seen therapists and been institutionalized…

I’m going to stick with NA/12-Step for now since I’ve never finished the steps and want to at least do that so I can really compare and know.  I do agree that there are many paths to recovery and it may take a hybrid approach for some people.  Maybe me…

Life is just life

Trying to get back into my routine after an awesome trip to Belize with my family… courtesy of being clean. After a bit of a struggle while down there, I know I need meetings and fellowship regularly… I need my routine… I am, as the Basic Text says, a creature of habit.

But as I get back to my routine, life is just life… nothing different or exciting or lame… just kind of even right now. I’m okay with that today.

International Overdose Awareness Day

International Overdose Awareness Day (IOAD) is a global event held on August 31st each year and aims to raise awareness of overdose and reduce the stigma of a drug-related death. It also acknowledges the grief felt by families and friends remembering those who have met with death or permanent injury as a result of drug overdose.

When life catches up

Fuck life right now… fuck my past using especially… specifically fuck the consequences of my using…

Fuck Webster Bank and fuck their legal representation…

Fuck the IRS and MT State…

Fuck them all for making me think of my past and for interfering with my life as I experience it today… fuck them for ruining my serenity… fuck them for limiting my choices and closing in on me…

Feeling trapped by my decisions… trapped by my actions… my world seems really small right now…

No… fuck you Craig. This is life on life's terms and you can't avoid reality forever… for long… remember your new fave line in the Basic Text? "Reality and life go on whether we choose to accept them or not"… that's this right now…

Here's another of your highlighted faves… "for some reason, not taking care of our personal affairs lowers our self-esteem and establishes a pattern that repeats itself in all areas of our lives."…

It's not even life on life's term since you haven't been living it like that… you've been avoiding and only doing what you want… not what needs to be done… and now what needs to be done is waaaaay the fuck beyond your ability to deal. But you gotta deal and not be a pussy.

So… sorry your past is so littered with your own financial destruction… it's caught up and it's time to figure this shit out. Not shut down. You're going to have to deal with your wife and feelings and resentments will happen… you'll have to compromise and accept and surrender and be willing… you'll have to be timely and responsible and a fucking grown up.


The past and the present

In a meeting

Why don't I want to be here? There is an actual feeling of not wanting to be here… it's in my stomach and chest. I'm trying to commit myself to being here by sitting next to someone and read one of the readings… be accountable and be seen if I try and escape.

I feel resentment…

Towards me and the meeting. Me for not doing what I really want to do and the meeting for being so happy whether I'm here or not…

I did this today though… I'm sharing about it… trying to figure it out and I was reminded it's okay that just staying clean can be good enough…

That helped for sure… waiting for this… ugh… meeting to start.

Complacency is my jam lately

In my post last night, after thinking about it on my walk home, I realized I'm getting complacent… things are easy… sorta kinda… and that lends itself to me slacking off…

Things are good because I'm making money, I have friends, I'm getting to do what I want… and I don't do what I don't want to do… there's the danger… that's it.

There are things I don't want to do… deal with life on life's terms… steps, resume, past financial issues, family stuff… so I don't and I sweep them under the rug and everything is fine…

Riiiiight.

This complacency dam will hold only so long… relapse-mode will start to form cracks and eventually spill over into my daily life and insanity floods everything… metaphorically speaking of course (ha!)

The question is though… how do I not be complacent? That's a stupid question in actuality but not in my head… I feel like complacency will win until the dam holding back the insanity/relapse breaks again.

Dam relapse