This is how it goes everytime

I am so fucked right now…

 

I’m alone now… I’m in this fucking house, that is too big and too quiet and I can’t be here by myself.  I will fucking go crazy.  It’s happened before and this is how it starts…

 

I push and push… until I get whats coming to me and then I can’t handle the consequences.  I’m so fucked now… I have no one.  I’m alone…

Too automatic, too scared, not humble enough

I’ve had a couple of conversations with my using partner since yesterday and the truth has been revealed about what it means for us to be together… Leave it to her to be brutaly honest…

Absolutlely nothing is more gross and truly disgusting than the chaotic and random scenarios that exist, exclusively as a result of you and I combining forces

She’s fucking right.  For some reason, we cannot use our powers for good…

A new perspective on life…

Back in the day, when I was using, no one or no thing could do anything right and there was so much blame to go around and any effort I put forth in making myself look good better be fucking recognized and if you said you’d be there you’d better be there and if I was there on time (which rarely happened) and your kid died and you had to cancel then you were a piece of shit and how fucking dare your kid die…

Additionally, if I had any money and I decided to buy you something because I’m nice then I got to buy me something as well because if you got something then I get something and usually nicer and if there wasn’t enough money to get both then fuck you and your gift for embarrassing me in front of god and this dumbass cashier who thinks I’m on meth but she’s a twice-divorced drunk alcoholic (thanks Henry) so she can void out your gift and ring up mine and then void mine because I’m still short because of the fucking ATM fees I had to pay earlier on the withdrawals for cash to buy the fucking meth this cashier thinks I’m on.

Today, I posted about filling out an application and I was told to come back at 10:30 this morning to give it to one guy specifically as they wanted me to get the job and this would move my application to the top and help make things happen… first of all… I’m honored/humbled to be thought of that way and second, I still don’t know what the job is I’m applying for… lol… So I get the app this morning, fill it out and have about an hour to kill before I head back to my place to meet the guy.  I decide to go on a bike ride… ride… ride… ride… taking a scenic route that takes me out a ways but I have time… long story short, I have to haul-ass to make it back to my 10:30 appointment and it’s windy as hell today… 25MPG gusts and when they whip around these skyscrapers in Houston, you can be stopped dead in your tracks or blown over… so I’m fighting against that shit and oh yeah, chain decides to fall off and I have only a few minutes to spare… too many bunny hops over cracks… I can’t help myself.

So I get there and it’s crazy in the waiting room and I wait and gets a little crazier and then I’m told it’s too crazy and that I have to come back tomorrow at 6:30AM… “Okay.  Should I leave this application with you or bring it back?”  I’m told to keep it and I walk out grateful because I have more time to get more professional references to list, I won’t be sweaty from riding my bike like I was, I won’t have grease on my hands from fixing my chain and I won’t have helmet hair.

Later I decide I should get a present for my wife since it’s her birthday soon and she really likes California Crunch from See’s Candy.  So I ride 6.6 miles to the closest See’s and get a half pound of her candy and a half pound of my favorites (Butterscotch Squares) and I go to pay… using my new pre-paid debit card that I got to pay for things like my new domain name for this site and whatever and the cashier rings them up and I swipe and DENIED… try again… DENIED, Over Limit.  I hate math but I start doing it in my head… $30.00 for candy, $12.00 for domain, fees, tax… hmmm… I guess I’m short… “Can I get just one of these then?” I ask.  “Yes?  Then the California Crunch box please.  I’ll get the other later.”  Swipe card, APPROVED, Please Sign.  I ride back the 6.6 miles in the same crazy-ass wind

I guess my point is… being clean (and working a program) makes me more agreeable with setbacks and math and cashiers and schedule changes and life… I have a new perspective on life… J4T.

PS:  No kids died.  That was just an example to make a point.

Remembering Dead Friends on Overdose Awareness Day

By the time I was 21, I had more dead friends than fingers.

Source: Remembering Dead Friends on Overdose Awareness Day | VICE | United States

I think of my friend Damon who OD’d years ago.  I was devastated and cried for a week.  We used together pretty heavily during out teens and didn’t turn anything down.  If you had it, we wanted it.  But it never seemed like anything to worry about, even as we got into shooting speed, heroin, smoking crack, and taking lots of LSD.  Look at us now… he’s dead, I’m almost dead.  I’ve loaded up a few massive shots recently and said to myself/to God, “I’m ready to see Damon now.”  Before I plunge all the way down, I see my sons face appear and I stop injecting.

I loaded up a massive shot last night… did it all… no visions to stop me… 

I have more to offer this world apparently.

Brain zaps and bad thoughts

The brain zaps have started. They come on after stopping meth for a few days. They’re not so so bad now… 

what is bad are the thoughts I need to share but can’t.  And I’m in this fucking house alone… it’s too big and out there and it’s not where I want t to be. But I can’t leave. I don’t know where to go and no one to be with anyway. 

I know, stupid fucking problems. Suck it you fucking pussy. Go fucking do something about it. Don’t be a baby. Stop.