Time for a review And Calling myself out

I need to look back at where my happiness has come from…

Maybe my Higher Power hasn’t been the source of my happiness… 

Actually, maybe God hasn’t been.  Maybe God is God and my Hogher Power isn’t always God…

That is a fucked position to be in. That is true powerlessness… reliance on the feelings/whims of a human can kill me… that is a fucking fact… I have that experience…

And I’m feeling like sabotaging my move today still… I don’t have time to get into it but I do love (not) how I can find so many things to pile on to make myself miserable… and I can make the smallest problem weigh me down… become the weight of the world… I can see caves and crawl inside… I find the potion to invisibility… MIA…

I’m telling on myself right now BTW.  

I didn’t get my medicine last night

So after an emotional but in a good way day, last night ended with downer… I missed my last shot… not because I had any control over it but because I have no control… maybe I do because my last words were lame maybe or too much or whatever but whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever… I am having some withdrawals.

I need my anti-depressant… my happy pill.

I haven’t found much joy today… there is some in texting with my boy… he loves me.  There is some with the housemates… shared experiences and coffee talk… the weather is nice… but the readings from both AA and NA aren’t all that and a bag a chips… 

Fine motherfucker… what else?  Say it… think.

I’m nervous about moving to my new house.  Today may be the day I move out of my dorm into one of the less restrictive, less crowded, less most everything house and it means more new…

New routine/conversations/people/bed/roommate/rituals/eye contact/handshakes/fears/uncertainties/doubts… I hate new when it means I have to be me.

I want to be complacent and comfortable and stay familiar to those that I’m familiar with…

So if you’re reading this… give me a hit please. I could use it/you.

Things just got interesting…

Hello and welcome to life on life’s terms…  today we’ll be covering:

  1. What to do when life throws you a curveball (and your bat isn’t something you can hold in your hands)

I had a wonderful weekend with my son and my mom… from Friday morning to Sunday afternoon… even though the weather was crappy, we found the hours to be not enough to fit in all the things we wanted to do.  I love these weekends… I had lots of coffee… and chili con queso, cinnamon rolls, cookies, pizza, See’s Candy, meatloaf and mashed potatoes and… everything bagels.

I get back to my house yesterday, do my return routine… alcohol swab and urinalysis for drugs… the houseman asked this time what my drug of choice was and also took a little extra care with my test… wrote my name on it… saved it.  Odd but I’m free to go.

This morning I wake up and there are two cups out and a member of the office staff at the house when I head downstairs… I’m asked to take another test… mine from last night came up positive for opiates… which is why I was asked my DOC (meth BTW)…

I take the test along with another guy who had the same results last night… I came up positive again… but like last night, they’re sketchy… not definitive enough not to question… the other guys came up weirder… same opiate results but this time with meth and amphetamine which weren’t there last night…

They ask us both to leave…

No argument will help me… it’s clear… it’s how they do things.  I can’t get upset… it won’t help.  I accept my situation and ask for God’s help…  I’m reminded of th 6:45 AM meeting (which felt like hours ago since I was kinda in shock).  I head to the meeting and I am good to go… I have no fear… I feel at peace and I enjoy myself and I hear every word spoken and I know everything will be okay… it’s crazy to feel that way and I know it and I’m questioning my sanity as I’m enjoying this serenity.

The meeting ends and I call my mom and she is beside herself with worry… she called a lab down the street to see if they can run another test to clear my name and they can and she asks if I’ll do it… I ask the office at my house if they’ll accept the result of another lab and nope… they won’t.  I tell my mom and I can tell she needs this test run… I know I’m clean, she feels I’m clean, but she needs to know.  I head down and take the test.

I passed.  I kind of break down… you see, I started questioning myself about myself… Did I do it and talk myself into thinking I didn’t… How much of a sneaky fuck am I?  I was relieved to get the clean results and glad that I’m not that sneaky.

They took more samples to send off for a more complete/thorough test which will have more results in 12-48 hours, but for the sake of the original test at my house, I’m clean… now what to do?  I don’t want to shove these in their face and say “HA!  I told you.”  I call my friend who works there and explain.  I talk to my sponsor.  I go to a meeting.  I pray.  I am still serene… crazy.

My friend spoke to the office and they accept the results of this lab but aren’t happy about it and it’s my get out of jail free card… I’m a little pissed about that since I didn’t do anything wrong… but I can’t explain the results… or can I?

The everything bagels I had… two of them… have poppy seeds, hence the name… everything.  But I thought that was just a myth anyway… a Seinfeld episode.


Had this been 53 days ago, even if I was clean, I would have flipped the fuck out and made this so much worse… Hell, just being accused of something I didn’t do…. ‘How dare you accuse me of using… don’t you know who I am?  I’m a meth addict… opiates are for pussies.”  Or something along those lines…

I feel the worst for my mom… she was going to fight for me to the death… her trust in me may have made her blind to the fact that I could be lying to her… I had to reassure her that it’s okay to question me… to wonder if I used or not… we were together this weekend, but not every minute of the day… turns out, she has opiates/opioids in the house (now she tells me… lol) and if I want to use, I’m going to find a way and will use whatever I can get my hands on… I don’t discriminate if I don’t have a choice (like some people may think).  Like I said, I questioned myself.  I’ve only got 52 days and while the obsession to use is mostly lifted, it still pops up occasionally.  While I hate that you (meaning everyone) don’t believe me that I’m clean, my track record shows that there is a good chance I may not be.  I have to remember that.  But thank you mom for believing (in) me… I love you.

So, life… nice try, but I swung for the fences and hit this fucker out of the park… I put my hands together and God did the swinging.  Thank you God.  One question for you though…

Why didn’t you tell me about the poppy seeds?  Huh?  😉

Finally… one thing that was revealed… this was not my exit out of Houston and back to Missoula.  At first I thought, “Yes!  Missoula, here I come!”  But that was my will and once I did the work to keep some normalcy and stability in my life, this was not a sign from God that I should pack up.  I was a little disappointed about that to say the least… but… as I was heading to my office this morning to work, the housing person at my house said she’d call me about moving out of the dorms today… thank you God.

Love you.

To my son…

Dear Son,

Tomorrow, things will be different for you.

Your day will begin with a change and you’ll have to adjust to a new schedule and routine.  You’ll even have a new style you can’t call your own… conforming and plain.

You’ll have new faces to look at and have to determine if they’re friendly or not.  You’ll wander the halls not sure where to go at first.

You’ll have to learn new names.  You’ll have to introduce yourself and make yourself the center of attention while others learn yours.

You may have some guilt and shame and embarrassment and hopelessness about where you’re at.  You may feel alone and afraid and angry and hate.  You may get sad and and want to give up… to quit… to say fuck it.

Buddy… I have been in the same… exact same situation.  I don’t want you to go through this shit more than once. I hope my experience will help you.

I know those feelings and they suck.  Here’s the deal though… feelings never last forever and you don’t have to do this alone.  I am here for you… your mom is here for you… the rest of your family is here for you.  You and us make WE.  WE can do this together.

Please be open-minded and willing to events and opportunities that may be presented to you.  Every day I try to stay open-minded which helps me see opportunities (gifts) to make my life better.  That may not be anything other than being reminded (by someone or that voice in my head) to bring my jacket with me and I do it. Then when I get to wherever I’m going and it’s chilly, I thank God for that reminder instead of complaining how cold I am.  I love those little ones because if I only look for big ones, I can’t focus on what I need to do each day.

Acceptance of this situation will be key in getting through each day with as many gifts as possible.  If you aren’t trying to fight something you can’t change, then the rest of the world will open up.

My boy… though you may have to dress like the others, you will have your beautiful smile to make you special…

Don’t worry about what other are or may be thinking about you.  You have a chance to show them what you’re really about. Lead by example… lead by actions… words when needed but followed by movement.

If you don’t know what to do, ask me or your mom or Becky.  We can help you. You don’t have to have all of the answers. I don’t.  No one does. But between me and them and the people we know, someone will. I promise.  

You’re the absolute best boy ever and I love you with all my heart and I wish I could turn back time and stop this but I can’t.  You got this.  I know you do. I have faith in a higher power that will help you.

You rule.

No, it would not.

In fact, drinking or using would make this worse…

My boy has a situation in his life today that I need to be present for… physically, mentally and spiritually… and had this situation come up 48 days ago, I would not have had any ability to help my son.

I am grateful to be clean today so I can help my son… 

Coincidentally, this is part of my daily reading:

From Daily Reflections


By going back in our own drinking histories, we could show that years before we realized it we were out of control, that our drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression.


When I was still drinking, I couldn’t respond to any of life’s situations the way other, more healthy, people could. The smallest incident triggered a state of mind that believed I had to have a drink to numb my feelings. But the numbing did not improve the situation, so I sought further escape in the bottle. Today I must be aware of my alcoholism. I cannot afford to believe that I have gained control of my drinking—or again I will think I have gained control of my life. Such a feeling of control is fatal to my recovery.

Last night I got a call that required me to be not only an adult but even more so a dad.  Thanks to being clean, my HP and the program I pulled it off.

Once I got the news, I called my old sponsor in Missoula knowing my current sponsor was working.  My HP spoke directly through my old sponsor… who didn’t say uh or stutter or hesitate or pause… he spoke to me like this was an everyday question for him and he fucking nailed it and it gave me the strength and the courage to know I can help my son with this… if I did anything right, ever, it was asking that man to be my sponsor… thank you Baer…

I was ready for today but I still had to deal the the right then… and I was starting to pace and think and I couldn’t get settled and I couldn’t find quiet… I went to my bed and sat and prayed but energy started surging and from my mind to my hands I started to think k about destroying shit and anyone who tried to stop me… it was sudden. 

But it was just as sudden I told myself that I was not going to be helping my son this way and that I should call someone instead… so I called a local friend and explained what’s up and he was solid and I asked for suggestions on what o read and he told me a few to read from the Big Book… (thank you JB) I found relief again and went upstairs to read.

Reading was fundamental and I found myself close to God… connecting and at peace and not in the past or future but in the right then… I tired out soon afterward and prayed and eventually fell asleep.

Today… I woke up early (5:00 am) to get in an early bus for a 2 hour ride to go see my son… except it’s raining like a million days of drought have been stored in a tank and let loose all at once… flash floods, lighting, thunder… bus service cancelled…

I’m distraught… but at peace still. Fucking weird.  I not sure what to do at this point except I know I’m going to try to get to my boy no doubt but how I have to figure out…

I’m sitting on my bed… not sure if the time and I pray… I hear a section mate say he’s got to hit the morning meeting… it’s 6:40 and I thank God… I can hit the meeting, let the sun come out and make a better plan with some light on then situation… I share first and break down… I share where I’m at and what being clean today means to me and how I’m grateful for my HP and the gifts and that my son wants to be with me and I can handle this shit because I’m clean… the Chair of the meeting spoke next and looked me in the eyes the entire time and spoke about his kids and his experience and that he was glad that I was clean and that I was doing things right and it was paying off… and each share after was similar and I gathered so much strength and hope from each one… I walked outside… daylight and the rain had stopped.

I’m on the bus after a much delayed service due to the flooding still happening, but I’m on the fucking bus.

I’m grateful, hopeful… ready to be helpful and courageous for my boy. If I wasn’t doing the program for me, I wouldn’t be doing anything for anybody.

Soaked clothes cannot dampen my recovery or put out this fire I have inside of me today. 

Grateful for my sister today. Thank you Becky. 

It works if you work it


Still sick but grateful…

I got home and passed my drug test, of course and wondered what the hell I would do… surely I would call my sponsor or friend to talk…  until the little voice convinced me it was such a small little feeling/problem that all I would be doing is bothering someone else with something lame and wearing out my support network.  That voice is my own and I’m super-convincing… I will believe most anything I tell myself… so I laid down.  I knew there was a meeting at 5:00 pm it was one that my friend ran and it is one that I typically dig and I figured I’d go ahead and miss it since it wouldn’t help me on my mandatory meeting list since that doesn’t start until Monday… again, this is me talking to me… 

I sat up and felt like I had sure missed most of the night and nope… 10 minutes and it’s 5:03 and I told myself in a bolder and audible voice that I will go ahead and hit this meeting I dig so much… so I did and it fucking worked.  I even brought my book against the advice of my inside voice and read from it and added some conversation to the meeting and it’s right where I’m at in the 3rd Step and seriously… this shit works if I give it a chance.  

I have gratitude and acceptance right now… I could be building a mountain out of a molehill about being sick and smokers and whatever… 

How big are molehills anyway?

UPDATE:  The J4T Daily Meditation from the next day:

January 16, 2017

Make that call!
Page 16

“We feared that if we ever revealed ourselves as we were, we would surely be rejected…. [But] our fellow members do understand us.”

Basic Text, p. 32

We need our fellow NA members-their experience, their friendship, their laughter, their guidance, and much, much more. Yet many of us hesitate to call our sponsor or visit our NA friends. We don’t want to impose on them. We think about phoning someone, but we don’t feel worthy of their time. We fear that if they ever got to know us-really know us-they’d surely reject us. 
We forget that our fellow NA members are just like us. There’s nothing we’ve done, no place we’ve been, no feeling we’ve felt that other recovering addicts won’t be able to identify with. The more we let others get to know us, the more we’ll hear, “You’re in the right place. You’re among friends. You belong. Welcome!” 
We also forget that, just as we need others, they need us. We’re not the only ones who want to feel like we belong, who want to experience the warmth of friendship, who want someone to share with. If we isolate ourselves from our fellow members, we deprive them of something they need, something only we can give them: our time, our company, our true selves. 
In Narcotics Anonymous, recovering addicts care for one another. What waits at the other end of the telephone is not rejection, but the love, warmth, and identification of the NA Fellowship. Make that call! 
Just for Today: In NA, I am among friends. I will reach out to others, giving and receiving in fellowship.
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