Speaker Tape: Adam T

I used to listen to this speaker tape back in the day and I forgot about it (of course) until my NA sponsor suggested it to me today.  He suggested it because Adam T. hits on a lot of topics, but specifically, acceptance, which I need to find today.

So take a listen and let me know what you think and if you know of any others, please share them in the comments section.

 

What do you want to do with your life?

I am seriously hoping that I wasn’t buying my work ethic one bag at a time…

Forever I always prided myself on how much and how hard I worked… work ethic is what I called it and I chided and lamented today’s youth for being lazy.  Now that I’m clean and this happened the last time I got clean, I have very little desire to work… maybe it’s not a lack of desire… what is it?

Sometimes I think my job is to stay clean and go to meetings and work my steps and real work.. a jobby-job as Snoops dad called it, gets in the way of that… but if that is the case, then I should be a 12 Step transcendental levitating monk of the highest order…

Other times I think I love the idea of work and want to work so bad and take on the work and then only do the parts I like to do and ignore the mundane yet critical portions that make up the entirety… I’ve said similar about school in that I would love school and excel if I could take the classes I wanted and not have to do all the other crap… and really, more specifically, I want to take the classes I want to take and not be graded… in jobby-job speak, that is getting paid even though I didn’t do the work/all the work/do it well…

And when I have things to do that seem like work… get my license, update my resume, investigate job opportunities… well, that word… WORK… fucks it all up.

Was my work ethic based upon my need to be high and the more I needed to be high and the more I used the more I had to work?  Did that create a false sense of being a hardworking and productive member of society?  Was I?  I’ve been using forever and working just as long it seems… do the two go hand in hand?

How do I figure this out?  How the fuck do I figure this out?  I need money to live while I figure it out… I have to work for money or ask my family for money while I figure this shit out…

Do I want to work?  Do I want to be a monk?  Maybe…

Working with vs worrying about another addict

I’ve made a little connection this morning between working with another addict/alcoholic instead of worrying about one…

I’m worried about a friend.  This worry is kind of consuming my thoughts… not kind of but totally. This worry is keeping me from thinking about myself and that’s dangerous.  I’m ready to save this friend… swoop in and try every trick in the Books… like the scene in Airplane where the lady is freaking out and there is a line of people with all measures and means to get her to stop… I’m the line and I don’t end… sadly though, the plane will crash with us both aboard and we may not die but the experience will suck.

This morning at my meeting I had a super brief reprieve from this worry when I spent two minutes helping a room full of alcoholics when I went to the office to get the chips and clipboard for the meeting… one guy was going g and I just blurted out that I’ll go and he was pleased about that. I felt some peace and thanked God for that moment.  Working instead of worry got the meeting started on time and that may have kept a newcomer from leaving thinking the meeting wasn’t happening or whatever… I know it helped me.  Working works.

I don’t know what to say to this friend to make them understand and stay… why aren’t my words more powerful/magical/convincing?

They never will be.  They can spark and invoke… but the convincing must come from inside.

I’ll check ale care of myself and be an example and answer questions when asked but I can’t be the fire or the desire. I’ll be the best fucking friend I can be. 

I love you.

SFR

Yo!  Dude.  I’m here waiting for you or maybe you’re already here… either way, before I see you I wanted to give you major fucking props.

I am so stoked for you.  Having you here in Houston has been a blessing to my recovery… you my friend are the only person from my past here that I have hung out with. I’m not sure exactly what that means but to me it seems at minimum interesting but I’m sure it’s way more cosmic than that… Higher Power shit… more will be revealed.

I had no clue to the depths you travelled but my God man… my fucking God you have a purpose on this morherfucking planet… please keep that in mind and know that it might just be for this addict or some other soul or a Tuesday noon meetings worth… it matters that you’re here and clean and it doesn’t matter where you’re at in your recovery compared to anyone else… not that you’re worried about that I’m just saying… I worry about that… sorry…

One fucking year… excuse me, 365 days in a row.  Remember if anyone asks you what comes after a year… the answer is 366 days.

I love you man.  I’m proud of you.

Your friend,

Craig

Bonus time

One of the benefits of moving out of the dorms…
I just woke up… on my own without the help of 40 other dudes all milling and talking about at 5:00 AM…

I got to stay up late and text and use my phone in my bed which isn’t a thing in the dorms…

Not one log was sawed to keep me up last night or wake me in the middle…

And while there is still smoking allowed in the house in designated areas (still think smoking is for suckers and should be banned indoors because it’s a health hazard regardless and why should I be subject to additional health risk while I strive to get myself clean and not to mention it stinks like a dead mans rotten butthole), I haven’t actually seen anyone smoking even when I went pee last night which never ever happened in the 40 man dorm… so thank God for that.

And waking up late… I missed my 6:45 meeting but I still get my coffee ad fellowship and I’m not kicked out of the house at 8:00 AM  like in the dorms so I don’t have to panic and stress… I am enjoying my first coffee of three still and will take a little time to finish getting my room set or maybe not… I have the choice to flop down and be a slug on my bed or be a productive member of society like I always say I want to be.

Hell yeah… thank you God for this gift.  I am grateful and more and more and more as I write this… 

and one of the housemen who I figured never knew my name when I would say good morning to him and used his just said good morning Craig to me.  I love those little things. 

Happy 1 year to my friend SFR (everyone I love dearly has the same middle name… Fucking).  You rule dude!  See you tonight my friend.

UPDATE:  I realize this was more than one thing and kinda like a gratitude list.

Hello

North of where I was

I have a slightly elevated acceptance level from earlier today about my new place. 

As I type this, I’m on the opposite side of the street than my old house and I feel kind of weird… I took the opposite crosswalk and it’s like I’ve lost some equilibrium… unsteady… it’s okay though.

I made it through today and I’ll probably hate it like I hate most change these days… give me a few days of getting bent out of shape and wanting to fight people and complaining and being generally mildly upset…

Look at you… trying to set their expectations so you have room to bitch and moan… want control much?  

Anyway, a bike ride was good tonight.  Got into some new territory and found a new bike shop to check out. A friend is celebrating 1 year tomorrow and I plan on hitting his meeting which I never can because of missing curfew but now I don’t have a curfew and so I’ll be there…

So I got that going for me, which is nice…

And okay… fine… I said I’d help a guy in the old house who needs help with a Power Point presentation for his class at HCC and he knows nothing about computers or Power Point.  I can do that with him on my MacBook… service and it’s making me feel kinda good…

Thank you God for these events to help me get out of me… it’s like if I hate hanging out with me, God gives me someone else to hang with for a while and once I straighten up… stop being a downer, then I can deal with myself again. 

See you in the morning.

What’s my problem now?

I moved to the new house over from the dorms.  I have a roommate instead of 10… not sure how many are in the house… room 6A.

I talked with my roommate about stuff… got a few courtesies out of the way and figured out we have a compatible schedule… I asked about some of the formal house rules while I put my shit away… I don’t remember the things he said.

I have no idea where the bathroom is… and I don’t want to ask.

I’m standing outside across the street like some kind of loner who thinks he’s a bad ass… leaning on a support wire… but I’m not a bad ass… I’m a scared fuck and unsure about where I belong now… again.

My head is cloudy and heavy… hard to see through the fog… I’m sluggish in general… I’m aimless… I have this huge amount of freedom from curfew and required sign in/out sheets and passes… and I hate it…

I’m not scared I’m going to use… I’m just scared… of what dude?  What what what what?

Responsibilities?  Time management?  Performance?  Money management?  Adulthood?  

Probably… yes.

I had to take another UA to get into this new house.  I was asked if I could pass it and I said yes while I hoped that I wouldn’t.  I was selfishly hoping I would have to make life difficult for others in order to stay down… to stay in my shit… to not grow… grow a pair dumbass.

Sadly I passed.  I wanted anything else to go wrong while I moved… nothing did.

I will not die of this feeling and will make it through no doubt… I’ve not died yet… I can’t say I’m stronger/better/faster…