Secrets and intimacy

This…

Today's J4T is right on… I'm not talking about secrets about what I've done, but secrets about what I want in a relationship… and how I want to be in a relationship. I'm afraid to say what because I'm afraid to lose you.

I get so far until this shit comes up then you stop learning about me… you'll never know all of me… the relationship becomes a lie from that point. I know it… I don't know if you do or not.

I want to know everything about you but not tell you everything about me. I'm not ready for this today… which is why I need to stay out of romantic relationships for sure. Why start off or continue in a lie? I love you too much for that.

Love you.

Needless suffering

This…

This was me for this past 7 months… needlessly enduring mental anguish and suffering daily because of my trying to fight my way through my bipolar issues…

I didn't want to give in… considering it giving up to the medication.

I was relying on my old ways… I was a hard motherfucker (granted in a soft shell)… mentally, most things didn't get to me… my obsession and my family got to me the most, but I endured gobs of pain of all sorts and it was a badge of honor…

Jail, institutions and near death were accomplishments to prove my ability to endure pain… piercings and tattoos the same… accidents on my bike required just a dusting off… the physical pain from cooking meth was part of the cost…

Today I'm happier than I've been in a long ass time… I surrendered to meds and they're working. But as I ride my bike around town… for fucking miles on miles in the sweltering Houston heat, I'm enduring it for the reward of doing it and of the reward for bragging about it which is in effect, about attention. Not totally as I do love doing deliveries on my bike, but I have the skills to do so much more… but that's something else as well. Another part to figure out.

I love the NA literature and it's really been a guide and opened my eyes lately. This is just one more bit of my recovery/discovery I'm excited about.

Love you.

Loving it and everything…

I'm pretty sure I'm loving life right now. I can't think of anything I'm not fond of at the moment. Sure I have my resentments but that's not not liking something… that's different.

This feeling came in as I started doing deliveries for Uber Eats on my bike… okay, I do hate something… I hate how the I is next to the O and when I type in images read of on… I do hate that…

Anyway… it's the sheer joy of exercise and the natural shit pumping in my being… it's the pick up chit chat and the drop off charm for each delivery… it's the Pavlovian reaction to the alerts from the app that suddenly give me energy when I didn't think I had another drop in me… it's the tan I'm getting… the calories I'm burning… the muscle I'm building…

It's also not being bored… I was bored today and started thinking stupid shit and so I hopped on the bike and enabled the app and bam… something productive to do.

It's probably the meds as well. I resisted them at my almost peril. Today I'm grateful I'm on them and surrendered to needing them. Today, I'm okay with taking them. I know they're helping and they allow me to focus on life without as much fear of going off the deep end and still hitting my head. #notmanic #onmeds

Love you.

Motives for relapse

There's a homeless guy down the street from my house that I see daily on my way to NA meetings.

I give him a dollar every time I pass and say what's up in case I decide to relapse and need someone to help me score.

I'm building up some good will and I figure it'll help reduce my chance of getting ripped off if I decide to use his services.

I still think like this.
Just gave him my dollar.

On feelings

I've been selling myself short I guess… not wanting to feel sadness, but the NA Basic Text says that part of recovery is having real feelings which includes sadness with joy, love, excitement, etc.

Hmmm… I like that actually. When I feel sadness, it's real. It's not based upon anything related to using but more to living life on life's terms.

I do like that.

That gives me permission to be sad which I've felt was wrong and a sign of poor recovery… so it's okay to be something other than positive and still have good recovery.

Seriously liking this.

Something’s different

Today I woke up feeling like I can do this… I am doing this… staying clean and (mostly) enjoying life.

It was reinforced when I checked my clean date calculator and it shows 232 days clean today… I feel some pride and accomplishment right now.

I'm not going to analyze the shit out of this yet… let's let this ride and see how it goes… establish a new base line maybe and then try and determine if it's real or not.

As I write that last part, I'm reminded that feelings pass/change and as long as I keep that in mind, I should be able to deal… thanks Kat for that nugget.

Anyway… feeling different today… from my core. There is a new sense of energy and maybe it'll keep going… hoping it will. Love you.

Could be the coffee though 😏