I wish it was only a Calvin Klein Obsession…

I’m in love with a girl that is in love with another guy who is in love with himself. For the sake of this post, love = obsession.

One of the painful truths of addiction is that it manifests itself in different forms and is happy to find a new object/action to have me devote unhealthy amounts of energy into. I just can’t be done using and live happily ever after.  Being done is just a new start of some uncharted obsessions. 

My using partner, who I’m in love with, has someone that she finds more worthy of her attention than I do. I’d like to compare in the following table, what he has/does that I don’t. After that, I’ll continue with my post…

Activity Me Him

Physical Abuse No Yes

Breaks Personal Items (iPad, bike) No Yes

Disables Internet To Prevent Access To Others No Yes

Fat No Yes

Ugly No Yes

Poor Dresser No Yes

Suffers From DT’s No Yes

Mean Drunk And Mean Sober No Yes

Cries About Symptoms Of Cocaine Abuse But Won’t Stop Using No Yes

“Thinks “”You Deserve It””” No Yes

Plan into action

My plan is now in full effect… it’s reality and no stopping it unless I die and I kinda want that to happen… but I don’t…

I’m moving back to Houston, going into sober living facility and getting my shit together… I planned on this a few weeks ago and have been delaying it due to one excuse or another, but this morning… I woke up in a mood and immediately wanted to use and I just said fuck it… either use or do the right thing.  You did it dude… I know… so I called my parents (I’m 46 and still calling my parents for help which shows how lame I am) and told them to get me out of here ASAP.. I have the fundraiser on Thursday and then I’m ready to go… I’m leaving everything behind… taking clothes and computer and that’s it. The rest are memories that I can like with in my head. 

Immediately, sadness overwhelmed me… sadness that isn’t regret but true sadness… that’s new. I can’t regret if I’m going to make a better life for myself. Regret is for relapses. Regrets are excuses. I fuck regrets. 

So… I will ben on a plane to Houston in a few days and starting a new life in my old hometown. I am ready to set fire to this past year.  Burn it all. And no fucking phoenix reference because I’m not rebuilding from these ashes. I am starting anew. 

My friends in Missoula… I love you and love you and love you and love you and fucking miss you already… my friends in Houston… I need you and need you and need you and can’t wait to see you. 

I’m going to be a sentimental, tearful, sad sack of shit these next few days. I’m sorry… 

Day two of being clean, BTW.

Thinking 

I’m stuck today… I’m worried about thinking. Fuck, even writing this post is making me think… my brain is trying to nudge a thought towards me slowly like I’m not going to see it until it’s right there… but I’ve been doing this a long time… and I have some ability to keep looking at something without actually looking at it.  

Today though… today my brain is working hard to keep the shit coming at me.  Deal with some of it… I hate when you fucking come out… I’m not doing it right now… I’m not.