This powerful experience and I made a difference

My boy… gave me (and my sister) the ultimate compliment today…

The feeling of powerlessness and guilt and shame and isolation… the not knowing what lies ahead and how it eats at you… makes your stomach turn and keeps you from eating… the voice in your mind that says to stay quiet lest you cause more pain or make things worse or no one understands or it’s too hard to explain… those feelings are common for me… read any post here and you know I’m constantly fighting myself because of myself… I live and/or die daily because of feelings/powerlessness/etc.

The best kid on this planet is feeling similarly today and by the grace of God and what I’ve learned from others in this program over the years, I was able to help… my boy couldn’t eat, could hardly talk, had no energy and his wonderful bright and charming smile MIA… he was in his head… alone.

It was hard at first… I didn’t know how to start but I did… I prayed quickly and quietly and then just asked my boy a question. And asked a bit more and a little more… then we stopped and watched The People’s Court and Family Fued… I was able to add a little humor into the mix with my own stories of classic episodes and of Richard Dawson… here we go.

He came and laid next to me and I put my arm around him and held his hand… connection his mom is waaaaaay better at than I am but I gave it my best… 

Then I suggested taking a short walk to just get out of the house… as we left I suggested we walk to the outlet mall so I can spend the rest of my Calvin Klein gift card on underwear… we end up there, Vans, Whataburger, Avademy Sports, Old Navy, Marshalls, and back to Calvin Klein (still had $12.00) before finally hitting the gas station for juice and heading home… 4 hours and 5.5 miles and 15,677 steps later he’s feeling better and I see him smiling and he’s hugging on me and we get a call about his status and it’s good but we don’t know all of the details until tomorrow…

He’s relieved and we continue talking and making plans.  We talk about talking and sharing and what happens when you do and we talk about consequences of behaviors and praying.  

So at the start of my journey with him in his head… I opened up first and talked to him about some of my experiences and feelings and having a sponsor and how having plans is natural but they can change and I want him to feel like he can come to me with anything because I have a lot of the same feelings and that when these thoughts are in his head they may be difficult to process but if he talks about them, just saying them aloud may help him understand them more and if I can help I will and if I don’t know the answer I will ask my sponsor or anyone and get him the answer…

This is when he said…

You and Becky (my sister) should be motivational speakers or talk to people and help them… you are good at that and I feel better.

to which we carried on joking about going to high school pep rally’s and TED Talks… I thanked him for saying that to me and that it made me feel good and that my experiences are what I draw from and by me working on myself I can then help him with his things. It’s why I do what I do… and if I wasn’t clean, none of this would be possible.


Thank you to Becky for all you do… you’re making a difference and it’s amazing.

Thank you to all the people that give me support.

I love you.

No, it would not.

In fact, drinking or using would make this worse…

My boy has a situation in his life today that I need to be present for… physically, mentally and spiritually… and had this situation come up 48 days ago, I would not have had any ability to help my son.

I am grateful to be clean today so I can help my son… 

Coincidentally, this is part of my daily reading:

From Daily Reflections

WOULD A DRINK HELP?

By going back in our own drinking histories, we could show that years before we realized it we were out of control, that our drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression.

TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 23

When I was still drinking, I couldn’t respond to any of life’s situations the way other, more healthy, people could. The smallest incident triggered a state of mind that believed I had to have a drink to numb my feelings. But the numbing did not improve the situation, so I sought further escape in the bottle. Today I must be aware of my alcoholism. I cannot afford to believe that I have gained control of my drinking—or again I will think I have gained control of my life. Such a feeling of control is fatal to my recovery.

Last night I got a call that required me to be not only an adult but even more so a dad.  Thanks to being clean, my HP and the program I pulled it off.

Once I got the news, I called my old sponsor in Missoula knowing my current sponsor was working.  My HP spoke directly through my old sponsor… who didn’t say uh or stutter or hesitate or pause… he spoke to me like this was an everyday question for him and he fucking nailed it and it gave me the strength and the courage to know I can help my son with this… if I did anything right, ever, it was asking that man to be my sponsor… thank you Baer…

I was ready for today but I still had to deal the the right then… and I was starting to pace and think and I couldn’t get settled and I couldn’t find quiet… I went to my bed and sat and prayed but energy started surging and from my mind to my hands I started to think k about destroying shit and anyone who tried to stop me… it was sudden. 

But it was just as sudden I told myself that I was not going to be helping my son this way and that I should call someone instead… so I called a local friend and explained what’s up and he was solid and I asked for suggestions on what o read and he told me a few to read from the Big Book… (thank you JB) I found relief again and went upstairs to read.

Reading was fundamental and I found myself close to God… connecting and at peace and not in the past or future but in the right then… I tired out soon afterward and prayed and eventually fell asleep.

Today… I woke up early (5:00 am) to get in an early bus for a 2 hour ride to go see my son… except it’s raining like a million days of drought have been stored in a tank and let loose all at once… flash floods, lighting, thunder… bus service cancelled…

I’m distraught… but at peace still. Fucking weird.  I not sure what to do at this point except I know I’m going to try to get to my boy no doubt but how I have to figure out…

I’m sitting on my bed… not sure if the time and I pray… I hear a section mate say he’s got to hit the morning meeting… it’s 6:40 and I thank God… I can hit the meeting, let the sun come out and make a better plan with some light on then situation… I share first and break down… I share where I’m at and what being clean today means to me and how I’m grateful for my HP and the gifts and that my son wants to be with me and I can handle this shit because I’m clean… the Chair of the meeting spoke next and looked me in the eyes the entire time and spoke about his kids and his experience and that he was glad that I was clean and that I was doing things right and it was paying off… and each share after was similar and I gathered so much strength and hope from each one… I walked outside… daylight and the rain had stopped.

I’m on the bus after a much delayed service due to the flooding still happening, but I’m on the fucking bus.

I’m grateful, hopeful… ready to be helpful and courageous for my boy. If I wasn’t doing the program for me, I wouldn’t be doing anything for anybody.

Soaked clothes cannot dampen my recovery or put out this fire I have inside of me today. 

Grateful for my sister today. Thank you Becky. 

Resisting compulsive acts of attention seeking is fucking hard and depressing

It’s killing me to not be fishing for compliments… to give to take… to take and spin to take more…

I want it all… the attention.

I’ve taken selfies to send to certain people and deleted them…

I’ve written clever messages and cleared them…

The obsession of attention is hurting productivity… when I should be working and earning I’m instead trying to be the cleverest hot AF recovering addict you’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing…

See?

And because I’m disappointed in my situation, I’m now playing catch the potential criminal with a security guard because I have a problem with authority and pretend authority… basically, if I’m unhappy, you should be too… at least you get to write a report “copper” and get paid.
And now a few blocks away from where I need to be… it’s raining… good job you dumbass.

Seat for a lifetime

Man… I am digging the 6:45 AM meetings lately… hearing what I need to hear… quality and quantity. 

I’ve read this a few times and today it stuck… from the AA Big Book, Chapter 3, page 30:

No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

How vain I was to try and control my drinking/using… How many different ways did I try and how many people did I wish I could be when it came to controlling my using… a million or more… 

I have a friend that can do meth recreationally… they buy some and stick it in the freezer and use it on special nights out… I tried that… except that special night became 5 minutes later, middle of the day and it never made it to the fucking freezer… let’s see, what else?

Fixing measured shots ahead of time and telling myself I was allowed only this many per day… except I’d miss and need to use another or I didn’t get the rush I wanted or I had work to get done…

Having someone else dole out my shit… that worked until they weren’t home and I destroyed the file cabinets, desk drawers, garage and other hiding places until I found the stash, both hers and mine and used it all…

I had all sorts of intentions and best laid plans… I just didn’t have the help of a power greater than myself to stop.

Today I do.  Today, I have a seat in a fellowship that can help me when I need it. I have earned a seat and I intend to keep it…

Never underestimate a room full of clean and sober football fans…

Dude… grateful for where I live and the living example of how much fun people can have clean… especially during America’s favorite reason to drink and use… NFL football.

I got back to the house and the Packers and Dallas were playing and the game was tied 28 all… in the living room was a bunch of clean and sober men cheering and jeering each other and stricken with tension of win or loss like it was our own lives depending on the outcome…

It didn’t matter we didn’t have drugs or drinks… it was fucking religious up in here… all manner of tongue… street and burb… white and black… drink and drug… was being yelled out wth the clap of high-fives adding the praise Jesus we all understand.

Another level of gratitude was just reached and the brotherhood expanded.

Thank you Green Bay and Dallas… especially Green Bay for beating Dallas… no way Dallas was coming to my town to play in the Super Bowl.

It works if you work it

Grateful…

Still sick but grateful…

I got home and passed my drug test, of course and wondered what the hell I would do… surely I would call my sponsor or friend to talk…  until the little voice convinced me it was such a small little feeling/problem that all I would be doing is bothering someone else with something lame and wearing out my support network.  That voice is my own and I’m super-convincing… I will believe most anything I tell myself… so I laid down.  I knew there was a meeting at 5:00 pm it was one that my friend ran and it is one that I typically dig and I figured I’d go ahead and miss it since it wouldn’t help me on my mandatory meeting list since that doesn’t start until Monday… again, this is me talking to me… 

I sat up and felt like I had sure missed most of the night and nope… 10 minutes and it’s 5:03 and I told myself in a bolder and audible voice that I will go ahead and hit this meeting I dig so much… so I did and it fucking worked.  I even brought my book against the advice of my inside voice and read from it and added some conversation to the meeting and it’s right where I’m at in the 3rd Step and seriously… this shit works if I give it a chance.  

I have gratitude and acceptance right now… I could be building a mountain out of a molehill about being sick and smokers and whatever… 

How big are molehills anyway?

UPDATE:  The J4T Daily Meditation from the next day:

January 16, 2017

Make that call!
Page 16

“We feared that if we ever revealed ourselves as we were, we would surely be rejected…. [But] our fellow members do understand us.”

Basic Text, p. 32

We need our fellow NA members-their experience, their friendship, their laughter, their guidance, and much, much more. Yet many of us hesitate to call our sponsor or visit our NA friends. We don’t want to impose on them. We think about phoning someone, but we don’t feel worthy of their time. We fear that if they ever got to know us-really know us-they’d surely reject us. 
We forget that our fellow NA members are just like us. There’s nothing we’ve done, no place we’ve been, no feeling we’ve felt that other recovering addicts won’t be able to identify with. The more we let others get to know us, the more we’ll hear, “You’re in the right place. You’re among friends. You belong. Welcome!” 
We also forget that, just as we need others, they need us. We’re not the only ones who want to feel like we belong, who want to experience the warmth of friendship, who want someone to share with. If we isolate ourselves from our fellow members, we deprive them of something they need, something only we can give them: our time, our company, our true selves. 
In Narcotics Anonymous, recovering addicts care for one another. What waits at the other end of the telephone is not rejection, but the love, warmth, and identification of the NA Fellowship. Make that call! 
Just for Today: In NA, I am among friends. I will reach out to others, giving and receiving in fellowship.
Copyright (c) 2007-2016, NA World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

End of the weekend, start of some resentments

I’m in the backseat while my parents drive me back to my house… 

I’m sick… runny nose, sneezing, stuffy and headache…cranky.

Dreading the smoking fucks at my house who smoke inside and smoke inside all fucking day.  I don’t smoke.  I hate smoking.  And I hate that my house allows it in one room in my house that is between the kitchen… aka, microwave… and bathroom… and I have to walk through a thick cloud of second-hand smoke regularly and a low hanging fog of it everywhere else in the house.  I brushed my teeth this weekend while at my parents house and I could taste the fucking smoke… yuck.

Anyway, as I get closer to the house I’m getting more angry at knowing I have to deal with the smoke while I deal with my sickness…

And it’s raining…

And I need to call my sponsor or a friend…

And then lay down and rest up to get myself into a better situation.


Transco Tower with one window missing.