Distance loneliness

Part of my issue is actual and perceived loneliness…

Like right now I feel both… it’s early and I’m up before you and I’m drinking coffee and pacing and need you… but you’re asleep still… and I’m not just talking about her but you as well…

Part of my issue is I don’t interact much after and in between meetings with you… I go to our meetings and we get along great, but fear keeps me from taking it to the next level… I’ve written about this before… for years…

Somatically (I hope I’m using that right), my loneliness is an actual feeling in my stomach and chest… in my chest, I feel it reaching out in a force that is causing some tightness in my rib cage… like it’s my fibers of my body trying to connect with yours… in my stomach, it’s just a black pit, hard and pressing on me like a fist.

I’ve written about feeling lonely in a group of friends… I’ve always felt that way… like I’m in realtime doubting that they really like me and I feel totally less than…

Anyway… it sucks. I have so many hours in the day that I feel this way and I don’t know how to get past it… the distance of loneliness I feel.

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