No days

I’m writing this kinda high… not on my DOC which seems like an important point…

I officially relapsed last week and in between then and now, I’ve gotten high a couple of more times… I should have 9 months today.

The list of reasons I stayed clean this long were numerous, but not endless and not enough… some days it was for me, but mostly not… it was for you and the kid and the cheap rent and the girl and the fellowship/friends and the not being able to because of consequences… I can’t, not I don’t want to.

So am I done? Well fuck… using isn’t changing anything… my life isn’t any better… I don’t have the friends/girl/peace… I haven’t had any consequences (yet)… Currently, I am and still feel alone, and even more so really.

And yet, I can’t say for sure… I didn’t get to use my DOC, which feels like missing out and if I went this far, why not try it once… right?

I’m done for today though…

Can someone remind me of today and that nothing changed for the better by using if I ever say I want to use again?

See? Just me.

You know you want to say something... say it.