Why can’t I just do fucking what I want? Why am I such a pussy to care about what you or anyone else thinks? Why can’t you just forget I exist and stop relying on me for your own bullshit happiness and needs? Why do I have to feel guilt… feel bad… feelings over you feeling sad/mad/whatever over what I’m doing?
Why am I so fucking important to you that I can’t do what I want?
I feel that’s a legitimate question…
Nine months almost and it’s not for me… some days I see it should be but mostly it’s to not be in trouble… to not feel guilty… to make you happy… cheap rent and certain amenities… but fuck me I want to use most days.
I’m taking this time for granted… wasting it. I want it fucking back.
This sounds so selfish and mean and and I’m sick of meds and meetings and steps and sponsors and listening… and acceptance and surrender…
What do I get from here? I’m sure some fucking miracle of not using… ugh… fuck.