Another brother down

My friend Jesse died last night. He was found dead in his van… alone of course. That’s what the disease does to us… kills us in the worst possible away… no one wants to die alone…

 
I am grateful I’m occupied with family matters at the moment. I’ve not had the opportunity to ruminate on this too much… I don’t want to spoil the mood here. I feel alone though… I don’t have anyone to talk to about this.

 
Jesse and I shared a few using moments together… he wasn’t fun to hang around with and he ruined my high… I often wondered why he used based upon how awful his experience was. But we have our reasons…

 
Thankfully, Jesse and I shared lots of clean time. He kept me from using more than once… he’d call me and pick me up and we’d hang out until the desire to use was lifted. I did the same for him as well. We’d talk punk and the Misfits and NOFX and music and skating and work and life and the loves of our lives and the gifts and reasons for being clean.

 
He had a really magical and magnetic quality about him which I feel was part of his problem… everyone loved Jessie… he could talk recovery… his shares at meetings kept us beholden to every word… his lisp and slight clack from his false teeth were part of the charm of his shares… they added some light to his dark and deep and pained shares… 

 
He could talk recovery but not fucking get it… relapse after relapse after relapse… it was hard to take.

 
The last time I saw and hung out with him was about 4 months ago… I was in Missoula and he came in for new rigs at Open Aid Alliance and I was there working. We practically leaped into each other’s arms as we hugged… me with my 3 months and him still out there. He was in sad shape but I stopped working and we hung out. We talked and I asked him to came back to NA… he recited bible verses to me as he cried and wished he could remember more of them and wondered why he couldn’t get it… he said he had done some stuff… I told him we all had and it’s okay. I bought him a burrito and an orange drink and saw him once more at a meeting. I kept asking about him and he was either in or out. He was in or out. He was in or fucking out… 

 
I’m so fucking mad at him right now.

 
I’m going to have to read Chapter 7 again today… Relapse and Recovery. I have to use this as my motivation to stay clean. I don’t want to die alone… I don’t want to make others feel like I feel right now… this is a hard one.  

 
I love you Jesse. 

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