I keep thinking I have it in me… the word or phrase or action or look or whatever magic to change things… but I’m pretty sure I don’t today.
I don’t want to surrender though… like maybe I haven’t done EVERYTHING and I just need to wait this out… despite the pain and lack of serenity… insanity.
Do you know what everything is? It’s giving up my life in some form or another for someone else… it’s foregoing enjoyment from and caring for others… it’s not living for myself and it possibly includes using… death seems like a drastic statement but maybe not.
I thought today that I need to stop thinking for myself (the irony… I know) for a little bit and run everything by my sponsor. When I’ve complained about not trusting my sponsor, what I really mean is that I don’t trust him to validate my bullshit excuses… he won’t say “yes” I should chase after this girl… he won’t say “yes” to keep trying to convince her I’m the one. I’m afraid he’ll tell me to surrender all of my will and if it’s in some master plan for us it will be and in the meantime, I should focus my attention on me and others that want me and/or my help…
I’m afraid to let that happen… my fear holds me back and is fucking up my serenity and recovery. What am I waiting for? If my magic hasn’t worked yet will it ever?