I do not want to do the 12 Steps. At all. I do not trust the process or a higher power… I do not trust anyone… I feel like I’ll choke to death on the words as they come up… I’ve been swallowing my fears and truth for so long… they’ve become this big black mass of gravitational matter… sucking in more and more fear and painful moments. The bulk of it is feelings of guilt and shame and that’s what I don’t trust anyone with… so it grows.
I keep searching for ways to recover without the steps… not using is not going to be enough…
I’ve got an appointment to see about meds tomorrow… or it’s an appointment to make an appointment about meds… I’m hoping that the action of doing something to help will fucking help… some relief from the wanting to use would be a good start.
I sometimes feel like this is a huge risk… the just not using. Like holding on in hopes I snap out of it but the using happens before then.
And sometimes I feel guilty for trying to find something other than the 12 Steps. I’ve found some relief working them before with a really good sponsor in a really good fellowship… but I didn’t trust my sponsor with that shit… I became fearful and eventually stopped working the steps. I had other excuses but fear is what overcame me.
I’m listless and meh right now. I hate everything. I want to make things worse. I want to eat ice cream. I want someone to not say hi to me or to be breaking a rule.
I don’t want to use as much as I want to fuck shit up.