Self-pity party

It’s impossible to be in self-pity very long knowing what I know… that was the gist of my last post… being clean ruins the party.

I have the ability to recognize when I’m in my own shit… and I have the ability to get out of it…

I was miserable all day for reasons beyond what I wrote earlier… I had a therapy session that I ruined because I knew what I needed to do before it happened… but during the session, I was fighting logic and rational thought… I wanted to be sad and miserable and have these reasons and get a little sympathy and yet not let this person help me… I was gonna suffer damnit!  Why bother?  I’m a mess/wreck… I’m hopeless/fucked… I keep doing this… It’s clear I can’t be helped…

Ahhhh… but I can be if I want to be.  And I do… I don’t like the feeling of self-pity… the laziness of it all… so I made a mental note to do one thing different today…

I walked to my mandatory house meeting… which got me outside for a few minutes and interacting with others… then I spoke to a few of them and one mentioned a meeting and possibly needing a ride to which I committed myself too… and that boosted me a bit…

That person didn’t need a ride after all but I went anyway… got lost but kept at it… and sat down to listen and the topic was self-pity and everything was made clear… 

I even shared about what I was doing and it helped… I wish I could remember all the great things others  said about self-pity, but I can’t but they helped. 

And tomorrow is another day… I can stop with the sugar, get back to the meditation and gratitude list… I don’t have to live by today results… I am actually pretty fucking stoked that I turned this party out. It feels amazing. 

My first real food of the day… no sugar.

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