So… Life

Good morning… I’m coming out of it it think… I’m certainly not feeling as awful as I have been the past few days.  

My very, very good friend sent this to me today

Thanks Katy… I am so glad you’re a part of my life.

I had already been thinking about this when it arrived via messenger this morning.  Other friends who have reached out to me have said similar things over the past few days…

I know I tend to analyze things to death and maybe that’s wrong but I’ve got two thoughts on this past and probably previous episodes of mine… maybe one begets the other?  

Fear is what I think started this last bout of whatever off.  Fear of the unknown and of not being accepted and not being good enough and etc.  Once I became fearful, unhappiness followed.

If I’m unhappy, then something is wrong… that’s what my mind tells me… unhappy feelings are difficult to process and are uncomfortable to be with.  My range of emotions/feelings is so limited still and I start to beat myself up for being unhappy and for not understanding why I’m unhappy and get down in myself for not getting out of it and it gets worse and worse. 

My unhappiness and not understanding it turns to resentments towards you and your happiness, success, or actions… and mix that with the previous fear and I’m essentially fucked… again, in my head I’m fucked. 

I have to be reminded we all go through these feelings AND live.  So thank you for all of the reminders friends. I know I write about these things like I’m dying and it’s the worst thing ever… well it is when I’m in it.  I write about what I’m going through. Every time I write, I get some relief… and when you reply or comment, I know I’m not alone… thank you.  I love you for that.  I really do love and appreciate you.

The best part of waking up.

You know you want to say something... say it.