As I sit here, sitting in the shit of being in between use and non-use, I wonder how committed I am to being clean.
I have been using since I was 15 and I’m 46 now. I had a stint in my 20’s where I got clean after time in jail and treatment, but I never worked the 12 steps. Eventually I started drinking which eventually led to wanting my DOC and doctor shopping for Adderall and finally back to meth… it’s been on now about 7 years. I’ve managed a few stints in Narcotics Anonymous and at one point getting 97 days and all of the gifts being clean gets you… well, except for one.
I use for a number of reasons… and I believe that using is a symptom of my disease… a disease that manifests itself in various ways, but mainly in obsessions and compulsive behaviors.
I’ve always been compulsive, never thinking about consequences until they were upon me and even then, I’ve been able to minimize the effects… either by being me (manipulation) or not having anything else to lose, therefore not giving a fuck. But I was younger and didn’t have a wife, son, home, career, and the other grown-up things I’ve grown to appreciate.
So, whats my fucking deal… right? Fear of being alone is a huge fucking part of my life that it causes me to act out in ways a normal person wouldn’t. Like what… like shit I did as a kid that made you like me… even though it felt so awful inside. Like compromising belief and morals as I got older just be be apart of your group… with a drink or drug available to make the shame and guilt disappear. I need friends and love and it’s not any easier today then it was. I have friends and some of them have been close, but I never feel as though it’s next-level… I have trouble putting myself in positions to be asked to dinner or float trips or the things that friends do together. When I’m clean that is… I can get myself most anywhere if I’m drunk or high, but take away the mask and I’m fucking alone.
That fear of being alone has an antidote. It’s an obsession and it has some serious side-effects… unhealthy side-effects that lead to consequences that I’m not able to fuck off like I used too. And I’m not talking about substances…
I need to sit here, in my shit and think for a while…