Fear to change

There is no rational reason for this last relapse…

I keep trying to explain it to people… the reason why and none of them get it… that must mean there’s nothing to get…

But again, as I sit here thinking about getting and staying clean and what I need to do to do it, I’m paralyzed by fear…

  • Of being alone
  • Of not getting what I want
  • Of change

Ugh… nothing changes if nothing changes.

Distance loneliness

Part of my issue is actual and perceived loneliness…

Like right now I feel both… it’s early and I’m up before you and I’m drinking coffee and pacing and need you… but you’re asleep still… and I’m not just talking about her but you as well…

Part of my issue is I don’t interact much after and in between meetings with you… I go to our meetings and we get along great, but fear keeps me from taking it to the next level… I’ve written about this before… for years…

Somatically (I hope I’m using that right), my loneliness is an actual feeling in my stomach and chest… in my chest, I feel it reaching out in a force that is causing some tightness in my rib cage… like it’s my fibers of my body trying to connect with yours… in my stomach, it’s just a black pit, hard and pressing on me like a fist.

I’ve written about feeling lonely in a group of friends… I’ve always felt that way… like I’m in realtime doubting that they really like me and I feel totally less than…

Anyway… it sucks. I have so many hours in the day that I feel this way and I don’t know how to get past it… the distance of loneliness I feel.

No days

I’m writing this kinda high… not on my DOC which seems like an important point…

I officially relapsed last week and in between then and now, I’ve gotten high a couple of more times… I should have 9 months today.

The list of reasons I stayed clean this long were numerous, but not endless and not enough… some days it was for me, but mostly not… it was for you and the kid and the cheap rent and the girl and the fellowship/friends and the not being able to because of consequences… I can’t, not I don’t want to.

So am I done? Well fuck… using isn’t changing anything… my life isn’t any better… I don’t have the friends/girl/peace… I haven’t had any consequences (yet)… Currently, I am and still feel alone, and even more so really.

And yet, I can’t say for sure… I didn’t get to use my DOC, which feels like missing out and if I went this far, why not try it once… right?

I’m done for today though…

Can someone remind me of today and that nothing changed for the better by using if I ever say I want to use again?

See? Just me.

Still though…

Why can’t I just do fucking what I want? Why am I such a pussy to care about what you or anyone else thinks? Why can’t you just forget I exist and stop relying on me for your own bullshit happiness and needs? Why do I have to feel guilt… feel bad… feelings over you feeling sad/mad/whatever over what I’m doing?

Why am I so fucking important to you that I can’t do what I want?

I feel that’s a legitimate question…

Nine months almost and it’s not for me… some days I see it should be but mostly it’s to not be in trouble… to not feel guilty… to make you happy… cheap rent and certain amenities… but fuck me I want to use most days.

I’m taking this time for granted… wasting it. I want it fucking back.

This sounds so selfish and mean and and I’m sick of meds and meetings and steps and sponsors and listening… and acceptance and surrender…

What do I get from here? I’m sure some fucking miracle of not using… ugh… fuck.